It amazes me how many different worlds can exist within one place, and how one city can mean so many things to different people. When I first drove back down to LA last December after a dreamy 5 months up in the Pacific North West, I felt knots in my stomach – a suffocating feeling that I couldn’t quite name. I had spent almost a decade in and out of LA. The majority of my experiences and friendships were connected to my old relationship, and not all the memories around them were good. The truth is, I had allowed that partnership to exert too much influence over my life and consequently had not been very happy. We were two very different people with two very different interests and outlooks in life and reconciling these differences had always been a struggle and often times quite painful. We didn’t share the same taste in people, food, films, things we liked to do in our spare time. It was a struggle to even get him to take a hike with me. And so after the breakup when I got the chance to move to Vancouver, I jumped at the opportunity to leave behind a place that held behind so many heartbreaking memories and to forge a new life full of new experiences and friendships.
It has now been a year since that big transition, and I am back in California with a fresh outlook on life, and a heart full of gratitude for the world I have created around me. The apprehension I felt last year driving back here is no longer – through design of energy I have cultivated a world full of meaningful friendships, tea, magic, nature, laughter and dancing. I go to sleep listening to the sound of owls and coyotes echoing throughout the canyon, I sit and meditate with my tea sister Baelyn over bowls of steaming pu-erh. I no longer have to ask permission to leave in the middle of the night to go to Joshua Tree with new friends, or feel guilty about spending 5 days up in Big Sur as psychedelic rainbows and redwood birthday parties give me life. My life is finally my own and this sweet freedom is something I am grateful for everyday.
Every day I send my ex loving kindness in my metta meditations. There is no anger or bitterness in my heart over anything that happened in the past. The present is such a gift and the future holds so much promise, that I can only wish the same for him and hope to one day share in each others mutual happiness.
Until that time I make no apologies for being happy or for living in my truth. Life is what you make of it and when I look around at all the beauty in my life, at all my amazing friendships and all the people who love and care for me, I can’t help but feel proud of the decisions I have made in the last year. Design of energy is a real thing. It is possible to curate the energy around oneself in order to bring in experiences of your choosing.
Recently I have found myself being asked about the authenticity of the images I put out on my social media. Does my life really look like that? Am I just showing off all the good things and presenting a false image of myself to the world? Yes and no. Obviously these pictures are a highly curated stream of images that reflect the beautiful things in my life – magical places, amazing people. And of course my life has its share of mundane or even painful experiences like doing my taxes or missing out on a role I care about.
But in general the images I share only reflect a fraction of the fun, magic and mystery in my life. There is no way I would have my camera out during profoundly moving tea ceremonies, sunrise dance parties in the desert or almost every time the crew and I bust out our moves during our weekly spiritual dance offs. My most treasured experiences I keep to myself and leave my camera at home to fully engage in the present.
And now the thank you’s. Thank you Baelyn for being my best friend, muse and guide through this time of incredible transition and growth in my life. Your wisdom has helped transform my life into what it is and I could never have dreamed up a friendship this powerful and profound. The westside dance crew who give me life every week with our reggae/latin/african dance church – Natalie and Elliot (my new favorite people), Diana and Greg (now old favorites, haha) and Brandon (love you). The Big Sur gang, Sue, Hilary, Blaise, Genevieve, Alana (Happy Birthday my loves), Cortlan and the talented Nicole Magnolia. Thank you to my new friend Jori, for all the wisdom and the laughter. Thanks to Oliver for including me in his amazing Body Glyph series (see his work on Baelyn in photos below). Other shout outs to Maria Calderon and her man Jordan, Tracy and Steven and Talia. You are my rainbow tribe and I love you.
Your outer world is a manifestation of your inner world. I’m proud of where I am in life because I remember where I have been, and know that I am a co-creator in my own current happiness.
Until the next adventure, love you guys,